Girl Code: Possible Revisions

We females always seem to be involved in our friends’ relationships. It all started when we were kids… there you are, standing under the jungle gym at recess, participating in a very official meeting of your organization, “the kissy club.” You’ve just admitted the name of your crush and, suddenly, you’re off to the races! The bossy girl (naturally the President of the ‘kissy club’) has ordered one of her worker bees to run across the playground and 1) spill your secret 2) ask your crush if he likes you back 3) determine if he “likes” you or “likes likes” you and 4) negotiate whether or not the two of you can have direct interaction or not.

It has only mildly evolved by the time you are a teenager… there you are, leaning against your ’96 Camry in the Junior parking lot when your BFF approaches. She has big news. She spent all of third period writing notes back and forth with the new kid in school and he thinks you’re cute! After reading their notes, you don’t have time to be concerned with the fact that she was so involved in the development of your budding romance because the promise of a boyfriend in time for prom is so exciting! Rather than just waiting for the stud to figure out how to ask you out, you plot and plan with your friend. She becomes the middleman and, before you know it, your whole relationship is arranged.

Sure, college was slightly different. Your love affair started when the guy at the bar asked to exchange numbers (as opposed to him asking whether or not you’re on the Facebook yet during AP US History). You like him, not because he’s on the football team, but because he can quote Walt Whitman and he listens to bands you’ve never heard of. As soon as you leave the bar, it’s back to your friends. They must agree that he is attractive, they remind you not to be the one to text him first, they help you pick out an outfit for your first date, and three months later they encourage you to break up because “you deserve better” and “he’s sort of a prick.”

Now that you’re all post-grad age, something is happening… your entire friend-group has been separated. One moved for grad school, one moved for her new job, one actually moved with a boyfriend that you had always liked. They’re all in different towns, some even in different states. And things are different now. For one thing, you notice the shift from the tendency to 'hook-up and couple-up' to what is supposed to be a more mature approach: dating. 

Through dating, your friend may actually meet a guy who seems like a winner. He can talk about something other than his beer-pong skills, actively courts her, and even mentioned that he’d like to have kids some day.  You aren’t around to meet the guy immediately like you were in college so she has to describe him over the phone. She mentions all of the wonderful things! But… she may leave a few things out… because she wants you to like him. And she wants to forget the things that maybe made her question the relationship. So she doesn’t tell you about the was that sexist or was it not sexist? remark that this new guy made one time. You’ve heard only good things about the guy for months and you finally meet him when she brings him home for the holidays. But even then, you’re only around him for one dinner.

More time passes. You act thrilled for your friend when she calls you to announce that they are engaged but you wish you knew the guy better. More time passes. Now you’re sitting on a pew at their wedding; you’re not a bridesmaid because the groom wanted her to choose people they both knew well… ok. That’s fine. But now you’re listening to Old Testament scripture being read about how the bride, your life-long friend, is going to be the groom’s subordinate. “How can she agree to this?!” You wait for the minister to ask whether or not anyone objects but the moment never comes. After a few brief vows, boom, they’re husband and wife.

Your friend doesn’t have time to call any more because she’s busy working and tending to her wifely duties or whatever. You convince yourself to just try and be supportive… until… you realize that you’ve seen him share one too many articles on Twitter about things that don’t sit well with you. It’s all been piling up: the “husband rules all” theme of the wedding, the off-handed comment about your friend being a stay at home mom, the homophobic undertone of a few tweets/posts. But what can you do? This isn’t a boyfriend that she can just drop like a bad habit. This is a husband. They took vows. She has his last name. This is a whole new ballgame.

After thinking about all of this, I'm left with a bunch of questions. 

Why are we, as females, so involved in each other’s relationships? I'm not saying I'm against it! Honestly though, why do we do this? How far should we go? Do you speak up if you don't like a friend's boyfriend? Do you speak up if you don't like a friend's husband? Do things have to change when you reach a certain point in life? Does the individual change? Or does the friendship change? What does girl-code say about this? What is the appropriate response? What's the protocol?